In my tossing and turning this morning with my mind running a thousand miles per hour, I realized that I have been believing that I am someone that I'm not. Seriously, for years I've been thinking that I am the most chill person ever when in fact I'm far from it.
How do I know I have no chill?
I constantly take my family and friends on emotional roller coasters. If I get excited about something or someone, I am all in. I don't give it a day or week or month to see what will happen. Nope. I will call or send text messages to share my news. Any news.
I giggled to myself this morning [at 5am] because I was thinking about everyone I want to tell about a man I met on eharmony who I like. Sounds reasonably normal, right? Well, it's only been a few days yet I'm already willing to share why I'm so excited about him. For real, it's been like four days. Plus I've been quickly intrigued and enamored before, and although it's been quite a while, those can be the most disappointing.
Anyway, the emotional roller coaster ride for my family and friends is short compared to the one I take myself on. Don't get me wrong, I can handle my own love woes. I understand that when you are truly interested in someone, completely putting yourself out there is required, and once you do that you open yourself up to whatever hurt can happen as a result of it. That's called vulnerability. But the emotional changes I put myself through go beyond my love life...currently I'm taking myself through hella changes about my career.
If you've been reading my blogs, you know that I am no longer employed. With one month of being off work almost in the bag, I have gotten another chapter written in my novel, I've created more poetry, I've found writing opportunities, I'm participating in various groups, and the list goes on.
Basically, quarantined or not, I am not bored and I'm living the life I desire.
But I am still very uncertain. This is the most freeing creative time I've had in over a decade—I can write when I want and set my own deadlines—but I have no clue what I am going to do next.
I'd love to say I have a plan. That I know what my next move will be or that I am confident that my writing is going to skyrocket before I'm down to my last two nickels. I don't know what's going to happen in June or July or tomorrow, and for someone like me—this no chill me—deep down, I am terrified.
So there you have it...the truth about me is that I have no chill and I'm scared! But I am grateful that I know God and the Universe will make space for me, my talents, my desires...once I truly let go and be as vulnerable with my writing as I plan to be with the man I just met on eharmony.
P.S. I found out that there's a Mac (and PC) keyboard shortcut for inserting an em dash—and it made my entire day!!!
P.S.S. It's Memorial Day weekend and I forgot. Quarantining will do that to you. Enjoy!