Updated: Jul 26
The tears were already welling in my eyes as I handed the lady my prescription. And it only took seconds for them to come flowing before I was fully able to walk away from the counter. I'm pretty sure, the lady saw my ugly cry face.
That was last Thursday—the day I was scheduled to do a reading at Maryland Art Place with other writers and poets who were chosen as the Maryland State Arts Council (MSAC) 2023 Triennial Artists for Literary Arts. It was also the day that a bad reaction to dental work that I had done earlier that week, started to take effect. One side of my face was swollen and my mouth ached. I looked and felt terrible but more than anything my feelings were hurt. I had planned an awesome reading (if I must say so myself) and I couldn't perform. AND there was nothing I could do about it. Once I got home I started taking three different medications. Nothing worked fast enough.
I laid in bed thinking about why this was happening to me. I asked myself: why is there some conspiracy so that I can't go do this reading—which had been rescheduled to what seemed like a better date?
I still don't know the answer to that question but I don't think that the Universe is conspiring against me...but boy did it feel that way in the moment. I don't get to read my poetry all the time especially for an honor such as being chosen by another writer and artist for my work. I felt very defeated. But what I am considering almost a week later is that everything doesn't have an answer and sometimes things just don't work out.
The phrase "it is what it is" is true. And I have to accept that.
I find that I have to have that same acceptance with:
Being a mother; moving through one day of a difficult nap time, bedtime or anytime while other days it's a breeze
Being in a relationship; how one moment we are "ha ha, he hee'ing" with each other and the next having a full blown "discussion" about something that feels tedious
Being a friend; finding time to connect
Being a daughter; making time to talk and listen
Being a writer; knowing that some days I write and many many others I don't write (or perform)
And with any other role that I feel is important...
I had a different plan for this July blog but it is what it is.