Motherhood is one of the most difficult roles I've had. It's the one thing I've done that requires that I am completely honest, patient and that I give every ounce of myself to (this is true for my writing too—when I'm doing it well). In the past I've been able to hide from my emotions or lie to people about how I've felt but being a mother, in my experience, has been a lesson in vulnerability.
Being in a committed relationship is almost as difficult. And it requires much more of me that I am sometimes willing to admit...
But a few weeks ago, Ty, Kade and I went on a bike ride and my thoughts wandered into a peacefulness that I captured in a poem. It sums up how I felt and how I feel about life during these moments—even in the commanding, difficult, sorrowful, happy, beautiful, blissful ones.
The Trail
Arms flailing
Feet wide
Pigeon-toed
Breath angled at the sun
Headphones sweaty
Tongue limber
Stride focused
Hello’s gestured
Meanwhile I’m watching you from behind
You pulling our son in his cart
Him looking back to make sure I’m still trailing
He’s already got your protective nature
At two already making sure mommy’s ok
The trail is full
Faces smile
Mourn
Scowl
There for their own release;
To get the children out the house
To lose the fat nobody sees
To walk the dog
We are a family
Moving at a pace that feels slow yet fast
Tired and cheerful and unsure
I wonder how to keep these moments
Even the ones that are contentious
Wondering if life is for living or remembering
Maybe a little of both
So that one day when the wonder is gone
And the friendship is teetering
I rewind and find this version of you
Of us
The three of us on a path
The spokes of our bikes humming
People walking
The air supple
A day etched into our history.
If you made it this far...catch me at Artscape in Baltimore this coming weekend; August 22-24 at the Literature and Print Fair. I'll be selling my books, a few photographs by yours truly and some Black Joy Is My Protest merch.
until next blog...
writerjns